Interview conducted by Devon Bertsch, November 2004

NME's Unholy Death has become a landmark recording in the black metal field, influencing bands across the globe. The album is being re-issued by Zurich Chainsaw Massacre Records in early 2005, first as an enhanced CD, then as a limited vinyl release. To commemorate the release, NME have joined forces once again with their original vocalist, and this interview was conducted at their second reunion show. The interviewees are Brian Llapitan (vocals), Skot Tinsley (bass/vocals), and Kurt Struebing (guitar/vocals). Steve Meier (drums) was unwilling to attend the interview when he found out he would not be paid for his time. Or because he had to work. Regardless, valiantly filling in for him was a Secret Asian Steve.

The purpose of this interview was to help people get to know NME as they are today. In that, this interview is successful, as anyone reading it will definitely get an impression of what it's like hanging out with the band.

I've tried to transcribe this interview as accurately as possible, but anyone who gets the opportunity to hear the tape will realize what I was up against, namely, one Skot Tinsley. The transcription is most of what transpired in the hour I spent with the band. For clarity, some comments are left next to the line they are in response to, not necessarily what was said immediately before or after.

Skot: (Whistles) I'm just gonna whistle the whole time (continues whistling).

Brian: That's kinda cool.

(Kurt throws something at Brian).

B: That coulda hit my retina, yo?

Kurt: I'm just happy that you're annoyed by it.

S: (whistling still) Hey, Brian? Steve, Kurt and I aren't talking to each other, so fuck right off.

B: Still? Because of last week's incident?

S: Fuck yeah.

K: Yeah, we're not talkin'. So, I hope you don't have any questions that have me and Skot interacting.

S: (to Brian) Quit touching me, you fuckin' cocksucker! Why you touching me?!

B: You guys can still have sex and not talk at all.

K: Well, that's not…

S: Fuckin' bitch! I hate Kurt. Did I mention I hated Kurt? And sometimes I…I really hate Brian, too.

Me: You've hated everybody, pretty much, in this short…

S: Man, I fuckin' hate you now, fucker! Get out!

Secret Asian Steve: I feel like one of the group.

S: I can't kick him out of the band; he's not in the band this year. You know, NME's my band. My band. I came up with the name, so it's my band. Fuck everybody else. I kicked everybody out.

K: He did. Skot came up with the name.

S: And none of them want to leave.

B: How many times have I been fired?

K: Tonight?

S: They want to be in my band the rest of their lives. What's wrong with them?

M: They're obviously riding your coattails.

B: It's probably hard to count the amount total.

S: 'Cause you notice I've dressed up like a rock star tonight.

M: Right, so that makes you one. You are what you think you are.

K: That's right.

B: Just look like Mark Wahlberg on the front of the DVD.

S: What do I think I am, anyway?

K: Act as if.

S: What am I? What are I?

K: We act as if we're rockstars.

SAS: You are NME.

S: Actually, what are I be?

M: Rib?

S: No, r-a-r-e-i-b-e. See what I'm sayin'? What are I be?

B: It's a rare rib.

(Cheesy kids' siren starts up)

S: Oh, the cops.

K: We're busted. We're so totally busted.

M: It sounds like the Playskool Cops.

S: No way they'd bust us for having a powwow in the back of the fucking truck. 'Dudes, we're having a powwow, how can you bust us?' This isn't even really beer, it's Miller Lite. How can they bust you for that?

SAS: (Someone begins walking down alley) Woah, here comes somebody, look out.

K: Don't worry about it, it's a pimp.

S: He's gonna slap some bitch around. (Singing) If I only had a brain…

B: Right here. Here I am.

S: (Still singing) If I only had a brain…

B: Brain Llapitan.

K: Brain Llapitan

S: That wasn't bald!

B: You know, somebody saw that the other day and they're like, "What the hell?"

K: I always type it that way.

S: Brain Llapitan, accidentally.

B: Great. Now I know why you have a wife and I don't.

S: Why I have a wipe? You don't know how to wipe yet, dude? Okay, check this out, one of the reasons he was fired before…

B: I have a course. It's why I don't have a wife, either.

M: That's one of the reasons he was fired before?

K: No, he quit.

B: No, I went into retirement 'cause …

S: He quit!

B: They weren't ready for us.

S: He's a fuckin' pussy-ass quitter.

K: He quit 'cause I was a control freak asshole.

S: Rehab's for quitters!

M: Is that what it was?

K: Yes.

S: He just quit. I don't know anything about it. I just fuckin' get stoned and…

M: Well, isn't it your band? Shouldn't you be aware of everything that's going on?

S: I don't know anything. I'm really not that smart. I don't pay attention.

M: You just say, "It's my band," and you know…

S: Exactly.

M: "My way or you're all fucked."

S: I'm just trying to ride the coattails of the name I came up with. These guys came up with all the cool shit like…

K: I got the name!

S: …Music and shit. Songs. "Oh, you want me to play it like that? Fuck you! Hire a different bass player!"

K: But wait, you wrote two of his favorite songs.

S: I didn't write nothing. It was all Kurt. Kurt did everything. I've never wrote a song in my life.

B: I will reiterate that for myself.

S: This Steve up here, he wrote like five songs. We don't play any of 'em.

M: It could be a whole new album, though.

B: Like "I Love To Shit My Pants," is that Steve's?

M: No, that sounds like it's yours if you can't wipe.

B: Oh. It has happened once, though.

K: (Laughing) Can't wipe.

S: "I might as well just shit myself 'cause I can't wipe anyway."

(General laughter)

S: "What difference does it make? I go through like four pair of underwear a day." But you're man enough to throw away your underwear, Brian.

B: That is rockstars. You shit your pants, you just don't care. And still get laid.

S: That's not a rockstar, that's a 70-year old man.

M: That's a Rod Stewart.

S: Rod Stewart!

SAS: Depends.

B: G.G. Allin

M: He didn't have pants.

B: No, he ate his shit. I haven't got that far yet.

M: But you do the bash the head thing.

B: Well, that's true.

M: You're getting there.

B: Oh, you saw that?

M: Yeah, I saw that.

B: It'll happen again tonight.

K: You bleed for Jesus.

M: Bleed for Jesus.

S: Brian's only as smart as he acts.

B: Yeah, which ain't much, huh?

S: You said that, I didn't. I was just trying to help out. Why can't I help out?!

B: Like marrying…

S: You want to get punched in the fuckin' face again? Ow. Right in the balls? OW!

B: Like marrying a 20 year old was a smart idea, huh? Actually 19.

S: I'm not gonna comment on that one. If I married a 19 year old, she'd be the happiest bitch in the world. But not you, Brian, you irritate women.

B: She is happy now that she left.

S: You irritate everyone. Yeah, she was happy that she left, so you made her happy.

B: She was like, "Thank you so much."

S: In the end you made her happy.

B: I made her in the end happy.

S: (Someone walks by vehicle) Oh, my God, I'm scared, fuckin' guy scared me. He circled around, he might be coming back around the other way. You don't know that. Quit looking.

K: Keep an eye out, Hideto.

SAS: Steve!

S: We have a nickname for the drummer. We call him Hideto just because it's fun. If you were a chef at a fine restaurant, you wouldn't want to be called Steve, you would want to be called Hideto.

K: Shoot! Go!

M: You want me to ask questions now? NME are listed along side the likes of Bathory, Venom, Sepultura, Slayer, and Morbid Angel in Ian Christe's book The Sound of the Beast as a big deal in black metal. How mad do you think the other bands were that they had to release several albums to make this list, and you guys just had to do one? You made it on the strength of one.

K: They must be just fucking pissed. They must hate us.

B: And they're probably wondering, "Who the fuck are these guys, 'cause we've never seen 'em?"

S: Actually, to know NME is to hate NME, but you really don't have the right to hate us till you know us so fuck everybody else.

(General laughter)

M: They can't ride the coattails?

K: They can't.

B: They can't find 'em.

K: They have been so far, right?

M: Or is everybody else just ridin' 'em too hard? Within the band for anyone outside the band…?

K: That's why we can't go anywhere 'cause everybody's on our fucking coattails.

S: Soon as we do anything, somebody's stealing it.

B: And dragging us down.

S: And making money out of it somehow. You know we wrote that last hit song, which one was that? The one Jessica Simpson sings, you know? We wrote that.

M: The one that she sings or…

B: No, the lip synch…

K: The one her sister…

S: Whatever it is, somebody does something.

B: Because we wrote it.

S: That we probably need to take credit for, that's all I'm saying.

M: Michael Jackson's Thriller?

K: We wrote that, too.

B: We wrote that whole album.

S: We wrote all of Neil Diamond's music even the shit that he said he wrote that he didn't sing. We wrote all of that shit.

B: Did we?

K: "I'm a Believer."

S: I was like…not born….for some of the songs we wrote, but yeah, we wrote 'em. Right?

K: All the ones after we were born, we wrote.

S: So, I was born in like 1994, so…

M: And you're with a 19 year old?

S: No, he is. (points at Brian)

B: I was.

S: But it was a guy.

(General laughter)

M: As long as we got the age thing, right?

S: That's why it didn't work out, because it's like they both wanted to be on top.

B: Hey, once she cut the penis off, it's a chick as far as I'm concerned. Or it tuck behind. To me, you know?

S: It was a good tuck job, but how did it taste when you were licking it?

B: Salty. It was like a fucking bag of Tim's Salt and Vinegar chips.

(General laughter)

S: Tim's taste like a boy-tuck? Is that what you're saying the chips taste like? I'm sorry, okay, you can shut the recorder off.

K: Okay, take two.

S: Wait till we get drunk, we're funny.

M: Wait till I get drunk and I'll think you're funny.

S: Exactly, there you go!

K: No kidding!

B: I just hope when we get drunk, some women will think we're attractive. Well, it's a big stretch.

S: Chicks dig bald guys, Brian. (mockingly laughs)

K: In trench coats wearing black jeans.

B: Call me…

S: With small dicks, that cum quick.

K: How would you know that?

B: Who told you?!

S: Just guessing. But you're like, "How the hell?" Deer in headlightS: "What? What? What?" Sorry. Sorry. Go ahead.

M: All right, Brian, have you learned the words to "Brick Wall" yet?

B: (Laughs) No. I don't even know where the words are.

M: Even though you have it on tape that you didn't know the words (Brian's enunciation, or rather lack thereof, in the song on Unholy Death was due to him being handed the lyric sheet moments before recording), you still haven't bothered to…

B: I have not learned those. That's the last song I'm gonna learn.

S: I think I might vomit. It's too smokey, I'm might vomit. Hey, Steve, is it vomit for you? I mean is it smokey for you?

SAS: I'm over here blowing it out the fucking door.

B: (exaggerated vomit noises)

S: "I like have my door open. I'm blowing it out the door."

K: Does that answer your question?

S: Okay, next question.

M: Unholy Death…

S: No, I don't have any underwear you can have.

M: Okay, but the actual question I'm going to ask is: Unholy Death seems to get reissued every 10 years or so. What do you guys have planned for Unholy Death's re-re-re-release in 2014?

S: I'll be able to park in the handicap spot.

M: What's that gonna do for the release, though?

K: On the release?

M: No, for the release. What are you gonna do?

S: I don't know.

M: You guys should start planning now.

S: Destroy the entire world.

K: Have Brian back in the band.

B: Yeah. I'll probably do about another three shows then be done for about 10 years, yeah.

S: Thank God.

B: Until the next re-release.

K: Re-re-re-re-release.

S: We're gonna buy a house just so we can blow it up.

M: That would be cool.

K: With a rocket launcher like in…

S: We're gonna do some experiments to see what's the best way to blow up a house, but we gotta buy a couple of 'em to do this.

M: Well, if you're on a res, you gotta have access to fireworks.

S: We got fireworks!

B: Out my way there's just meth labs galore. We could take some notes from them.

S: Since you own one.

K: Officially on the album, you know if anybody cares, there's gonna be: Two videos, one video from the studio and one video from a live show in 1985; and some enhanced tracks…

S: I think I'm gonna vomit.

K: Yeah.

S: Hold on a sec. (coughs)

K: And then "Tits." "Tits" is on it.

S: I swallowed it. I swallowed it, it was okay.

B: What are the words to that song?

K: "Tits?"

B: Yeah.

K: "Tits, tits, tits, tits…"

B: Oh, okay.

K: "Tits, tits, tits, tits…"

S: I don't know, Brian, what are the fuckin' words, fuckin' singer of the band?

M: It's on the current release coming up?

K: Yes. "Tits" is on it. It's not an official NME recording. The name of the band was Fiend because it was just Steve and I and whoever else was in the room when we did it.

S: Erik Hamlin and the other Steve.

K: Yep.

B: Steve Meier II.

S: Hideto.

K: Hideto was there.

S: Even though it was 10 years before we even knew who he was. He probably wasn't even born then. He was still masturbating to Suzanne Somers.

K: Or were you asking what we were gonna do in the next 10 years?

M: I was asking what you were gonna do for the next release.

K: Oh, Jesus.

M: I think you kinda half answered one way and half the other.

K: I don't think we have anything else to…

B: That was all I had in my vault was that video.

S: Dude, how many times do you wanna hear "Acid Reign," for fuck's sake?

M: At least three more.

S: (Laughs) Okay, then we're gonna release "Acid Reign" again on the next album. Probably without Brian, 'cause we're gonna have Steve sing it.

K: I don't think there's anything else to release.

B: We could sing everything in a different language.

S: Brian, shut up. You don't have any input.

K: We're gonna have Rammstein do it in German.

B: That's good "fucking" music.

S: Why, the songs only last 30 seconds? (does punchline drum roll)

B: They're called Al Bundy songs.

S: "Gee, Peg, do I getta have sex with you?"

B: "You just did."

M: Steve has said that the plan to get pretty much anything done is to make Kurt do it, yet Kurt's incompetence…

K: (to Hideto) This is about you.

M: No, it's actually about Kurt….(picking up question again) to make Kurt do it, to get anything done they make Kurt do it. Yet Kurt's incompetence is listed as the reason that the track order of "Lethal Dose" and "Unspeakable" are switched around from the original Machine of War demo on the Moribund disc. Why do you trust this man to do these important tasks?

K: I can't answer that.

S: Because it seems to always work out, somehow. I mean, I know it's my band, and I'm in control of everything. I've let Kurt have this task because I've always felt that somehow, even though it gets fucked up, being fucked up it works out somehow. Because of Kurt. Look. Just look at him. Oh, you can't see that on the tape. Look at him, though.

M: No, but I can write down, "Look at Kurt."

S: "Look at Kurt."

M: Direct 'em to the website.

K: That y'all look at me.

S: Y'all. We all look at Kurt.

M: We all look at Kurt.

S: We look up to Kurt when we're laying on the floor…and he's not. Other than that, I don't know what to tell you.

B: I think we call it NME teabagging, right?

S: Told you.

K: (laughs)

M: All right. Why do you need that football helmet, Skot? On stage?

K: His mom makes him wear it.

S: When I was young, I was considered retarded. They made me wear a helmet.

B: Was?

(General laughter)

K: Now it's confirmed.

S: I didn't even bring it today.

B: You should see Garden State.

M: Actually, I wrote that as kind of a joke, but when I saw you at Jimmy Z's you didn't have enough room, but at Studio 7 you could really run around. It seemed like you just needed it in case you…

(General laughter)

K: Well, yeah, when he pulls his cabs over on top of himself, it's nice to have a helmet.

S: You never know when you might get hurt, but I don't plan on getting hurt tonight.

SAS: Safety first!

M: You're gonna leave that for your Bleeding For Jesus guy.

K: Yeah, we have him now.

S: If we get paid $1000 for a show, I'm gonna destroy everything and wear the helmet. Until then, I'm just gonna do what Kurt tells me.

M: Well, it seemed like you were trying to destroy the wall at Jimmy Z's. That's what you were running into.

S: We have…we…let me think, how can I say this? We love Jimmy Z's the way we love dog shit.

K: But maybe you shouldn't put that in there.

S: Oh, no!

B: Too late.

M: I would say that I love Jimmy Z's less than dog shit.

S: Kurt once told me don't fuckin' slam the mic on the floor. So when I thought they were being disrespectful to us, I just dove on the mic stand so it smacked on the floor really hard and loud. So I'm just telling you because, you know, if they want to play around a game with the sound…

K: But why do you need to wear your helmet?

S: Because I coulda got hurt if I…I wasn't wearing my helmet. Yeah, I coulda got hurt. I'd look like Brian if I didn't wear a helmet.

K: Where did that helmet come from?

S: I bought it at the Goodwill.

K: No, I mean…

B: Supporting people in need.

M: It's stage attire.

S: It seemed to me at the time that I needed a helmet.

M: Have you ever made the band late for a show, though, or for load in, because you needed to get your helmet?

S: Uhm, no.

B: 'Cause of the helmet.

M: So it would just be black pants that would cause that? (The band was late to the venue that night because Brian had to get black pants.)

B: (Laughs)

K: Just black pants. Just black pants make us late.

B: Hey, I was debating kneepads, too.

K: (Laughs) See, that's almost like a helmet.

S: The singer of the band wearing leetards, uh, leotards.

B: Leetards, huh?

S: (Mongoloid voice) I like to wear the leetards.

K: The leetards.

M: All right, here's something you could maybe re-release. Are the Night Prowler Eat Death and Back for Seconds demos ever going to be made available?

S: If I even knew where one of 'em was at.

K: You don't have any of 'em?

S: I did, but I can't find any of them.

B: I have the first band practice.

K: Yeah? Yeah?

S: No, you don't.

B: I do. I swear to God. I mean, not that I believe in God, but yes.

S: See, everything has "Acid Reign" on it, except for Night Prowler. It has "Black Knight" on it, though.

K: We need those Night Prowler tapes.

S: I had them, but I don't know where the fuck they're at.

B: I was listening to some good Motörhead, and it had "Acid Reign" on it.

S: I know somebody that has one.

(Secret Asian Steve leaves car)

K: Woah, shit.

S: He's not done puking.

B: We pissed off the drummer again.

S: You know, last time we called somebody Steve, she ended up divorcing Brian, so we're not really sure…

M: Was she 20 by then?

S: No. This was…

K: She was at our show at Doc Maynards.

S: Which wasn't actually…

K: All ages.

B: I was like, "What the?"

S: Good babysitter for Brian, let's just put it that way.

B: It was the best woman I ever knew.

K: No, yeah, hey, you know, if we can ever find the tapes, yeah. They'll probably get put out somewhere 'cause there's some old shit on those. Some early versions of NME songs. You all right?

(Brian begins making noises)

S: Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian.

K: Sweety?

S: Maybe you should've bought a different color pants. That'd be more comfortable.

K: I said jacket.

S: What the hell is that smell? Is that your nuts?

B: (Laughs) I did work today, so, yeah.

S: What you fuckin' push books around and your nuts sweat? What the hell is that?

B: Well, I jacked off earlier, too.

S: What, and you didn't change so you got it all sticky all over your underwear?

B: Yeah. Spit up the wad.

S: And ball sweat combination? Jesus. C'mon, Brian, chicks don't dig that.

B: But, cat food also, 'cause I…

S: Butt? Butt, cat food, ball sweat, and sperm. Women probably dig that one.

B: That's the title of the next album, actually.

SAS: I need another beer.

S: Oh, okay, Steve.

K: Hold on, Steve needs another beer.

B: My feet are falling asleep. Rub them, Kurt, won't you?

K: Okay, here, take your shoes off.

B: Okay, I'm just kidding. You think my balls smell bad, you don't wanna smell my feet.

S: I'm not sure if it's your butt or your balls, I just am worried. It scares me. It's gross.

B: You know what my ass smells like, so you should know by now.

S: We usually have a match I can burn, Brian.

B: Won't that kill us all?

K: What was the question?

M: I forget. What started the Evil Dead obsession? And you can't just say, "The movie."

B: I think it was the movie, myself.

M: No, you can't just say the movie.

K: You can't just say the movie.

M: You have to elaborate. You can say, "The movie," but you gotta elaborate. What about the movie?

K: I don't know, it was just so over the top.

S: They didn't think it was funny.

K: It seemed so over the top at the time. You can look at it like it's funny now, and I think obviously those guys, you know, Raimi and those guys, watched it and said, "Hey, this shit's funny." I think they tried to make a serious horror movie. I don't know, it just seemed so extreme for the time.

(Skot leaves car)

B: I think it holds up good, still, though.

M: Most of it does.

S: (Talking through rear window) The pencil in the ankle.

K: You can't beat that.

S: The pencil in the ankle is the greatest thing I've ever seen.

B: Yeah, that'll make you wince.

K: It was a good combination…

S: Well, that's why Evil Dead, to me, was this significant. At that time it was the greatest thing. And it had a good effect then.

K: It was a good combination of the living dead movies stepped up. I mean, you see it now, the kind of zombies or whatever the hell, the possessed, they had, I mean, they're pretty much the zombies you see in the movies these days.

(Skot begins talking to and about teenagers walking down alleyway. I believe he's mostly discussing a poster from the club.)

K: Was that enough?

M: That's plenty.

K: With what they did with their possessed, you see it in movies today. 28 Day Later and the new Dawn of the Dead, and everything. The fast moving, more calculating creatures…monsters…evil.

B: Yeah, because if they ran after me, I'd be dead meat.

K: Well, yeah. Yeah. I think it was that. It was kind of a cross between…

M: They blended a lot of influences.

K: Yeah, you take the possession of The Exorcist and throw 'em into mindless bodies like living dead.

M: Hack 'em up.

K: Chainsaw. "Tool shed."

B: That was II, though.

K: What?

M: Where he says, "Tool shed."

B: Thought you were talking about the first one.

M: You can like the second one, too.

B: The second one's classic in it's own way.

M: That one is intentionally funny.

K: I don't know, but going back to Night Prowler…

M: Was that named after the movie The Prowler?

K: No, we were named after the AC/DC song. No, our first demo was Eat Death, and it had an Evil Dead cover. It had Cheryl in the cellar on the cover. I don't know. I can't tell you why that was so grabbing as far as a horror movie.

B: There could be some kid watching Spider-Man going, "I'm gonna write a song about Spider-Man, 'cause that was..."

M: There already is a song about Spider-Man, though. It was a song about he can do whatever a spider can.

B: (Sings Spider-Man theme)

K: Spider-Man.

S: (Back from talking to teens) Oh, The Ramones did that!

M: Yeah, they did it for that Saturday morning…

S: (Singing) Does whatever a spider can, yeah!!

B: No more lounge singing for you.

K: So, yeah, our next album will be a Spider-Man theme album.

M: I thought it was gonna be about chicken?

K: In 10 years.

M: Wait, no, don't get to the 10 year thing.

K: Well, yeah, we'll get chicken into there.

(Brian has been talking to Skot about the teens and posters in the background.)

S: They got The Exploited poster. But they're not old enough…

K: Shhhh, don't talk about The Exploited.

M: Yeah, fucker! (The Exploited were coming to town one week after I leave the country.)

K: You're gonna piss somebody off. He's gonna ask us mean questions now.

SAS: No!

K: Pissing Steve off.

M: Skot says part of the reason NME is special is because you're all friends, but he also says that all his friends hated Unholy Death. Did everyone else in the band hate Unholy Death?

K: I thought it sounded horrible.

B: I love the music, but I didn't like the mix. I thought the mix sucked dick.

S: Yeah, I thought the vocals sucked, too.

B: Fuck off.

S: (Laughs)

K: I mean, we had X amount of time and X amount of money to do it…

S: Oop, wrong package.

K: I think, to some degree we set out to do what we wanted to do. And we were about annoying people and just pissing people off and being offensive.

S: It's all Kurt's idea.

K: Yes.

S: Fuckin' A, man. In my opinion.

M: Except for the name.

S: No, no, no. Well, other than the name. But the album, the way we recorded it, in my opinion, remembering back, Kurt said, "I want to do it like this. Do it like that." I thought it was kind of a unique and good idea at the time. In retrospect, I think it was a unique and good idea even now.

K: We did what we could with less than $400.

M: It sill influences people today.

S: I picked him up in the morning and when we were driving he was like, "Man, I just wanna try this and this and this." That's what we did, and it was fucking cool, I think. It sucked, though, but it's great.

K: No, when we release a video…

B: It sucked like Hellhammer's thing sucked. It's still kick ass. You know what I'm saying, right?

S: At the time, you'd listen to clean music and then compare it to yours and go, "I wonder why people don't like it?" It doesn't sound like this other band. Who cares? It's what we did.

B: I think my favorite thing is looking at that review in the Cream metal special. 'Cause you had like Krokus, Judas Priest, Abomination, Turbo.

K: Yeah.

B: And then we're right in there with Unholy Death, which they loved. But they flamed Accept's Russian Roulette. They totally busted on Turbo and Krokus. It was like, fuck yeah! So that was cool.

M: And who listens to Krokus now?

B: Exactly.

K: And who listens to NME now?

S: Tonight, long stick goes boom.

K: I think the whole idea for me behind…

B: If you were in Sweden, you might listen to Krokus.

M: I don't think no matter where I am I'm going to listen to Krokus, actually.

S: Okay, if you were Swedish, in Sweden.

B: Long stick go boom.

M: I am Swedish, but I'm not gonna listen to Krokus no matter where I am.

S: (Putting on accent which I guess is supposed to be Swedish, but sounds more Scottish) You don't like Krokus?

M: No. I like the Swedish Chef, does that count?

K: Yes.

S: (Impersonates Swedish Chef)

K: That's almost like liking Krokus.

M: Almost. How did Dutch East fuck NME?

B: How much money did we make on that? Negative…

K: They gave us 500 bucks. I guess technically we fucked it up. Or I fucked it up. Yeah, I don't know.

S: I don't know if they really fucked us.

M: Well, it says so in your insert.

K: Well, that's 'cause we're angry.

M: You're angry.

K: We're angry.

M: No, I mean, I don't know whether they did or not, that's just where I got that.

S: We were promised another $600 and an add in Kerrang! magazine. We didn't get either of those things. But to be honest with you that wasn't really…

K: And $1 per album.

S: I talked to a guy on the phone in New York and that's what he told me. I don't really have any basis. I mean, I can't even remember the guy's name.

M: Right.

K: Our deal was $1 an album, and who knows how many got sold.

B: Well, one thing I had earlier…

S: Shut up! Fucking Brian. Okay, next question.

K: We're not getting $1 for album offa every one sold on E-bay. Although they're only selling for $6.99. But not $12.99 Buy It Now. (Kurt had had a mini-word war with a guy the day before about how a Heir Apparent album being listed with a Buy It Now of $12.99 was not a representation of power and glory as that guy claimed).

M: So, then when you look at the CD…

K: There's no power and glory here. (Laughs)

M: The CD was like, what was the last one? Like $85 was the last…?

B: Last one I saw was $28. The Moribund one.

K: If you can find the album that doesn't have the cut out on it, that's a whole different story, I guess.

S: What cut out? What do you mean?

M: When they cut the barcode to show that an album didn't sell…

K: When they pull them off the shelves…you know what I heard? Someone told me that they had one without the cut out, but then they had some with the cut out, and there was a sticker in it. He told me there was a sticker in it.

M: Was it an NME sticker, or just a sticker?

K: Yeah, no, it was an NME sticker.

S: In 1987 or '88 I was told there was posters and stickers and T-shirts over in Germany and Europe.

K: This guy told me and I was like, "There was a sticker?" I said, "What was the sticker?" and he said it was a sticker of the grim reaper off of the lyrics sheet that said NME or something on it.

S: Well, band's playing, let's go.

B: Well, I talked a guy that had one. He said he bought two, he bought one and left it unopened and opened the other one and said there's no lyrics sheet in it.

K: Right. Yeah. This guy told me he opened up one of the ones that…so who knows?

B: I think they fucked us in that way if they pulled 'em all off the shelves.

K: Does this have anything to do with the question? What was the question? I'm gonna answer all the questions like that, "What was the question?"

B: How'd they fuck us?

M: Because it said so in the…

K: That's just 'cause we're mad.

(Skot begins trying to read ahead on the questions)

M: No peeking! And you guys already answered that one.

S: 'Kay, the next question iS:

M: Nothin'.

S: If my balls were on your chin…what the hell?

K: Ewwwwww.

S: He's like, "Wait a minute…"

B: Would you puke or pass out?

K: (Handing me another beer) Here, you don't think we're funny yet.

S: Yeah, he said he had to be drunk first. He's smiling at least.

(General laughter)

M: I'm being polite.

B: He should sympathy laugh.

K: He's trying to imagine how he's gonna stitch some words together to get answers for these questions.

S: Goddamn, it's gotten cold out here, I should come in there.

B: How's your nipples doing? They hard yet?

S: My nipples are fine. I have to pee.

B: I got to see him in a towel the other day, that was pretty impressive.

K: Skot?

M: Now that's stage apparel.

B: He was doing his Val Venus impression.

S: I'm a good lookin' guy. Other than his big, huge, fat, fuckin' beer gut I got. Good lookin' dude.

M: NME sounds very different on Unholy Death versus Machine of War95. Yet on Vermination it's almost like the two different NME styles are merged. Tell me about the process of merging your sounds.

K: See, that's cheating 'cause you…he talks to me too much.

S: I don't really know that that's the way I see it. It was just a natural thing, in my opinion. We did what we did. We were trying to play some new songs. And on Machine of War95 was a new sound of the old songs, and then Vermination was of course new songs. But I don't that, in my opinion, I don't know that Vermination was necessarily a combination of the two. But, it's kind of interesting that somebody might think that way. That's kinda cool, actually.

M: Somebody does think that way. Kurt?

K: Yeah, hi.

(General laughter)

K: I think Vermination…

S: Kurt and I don't talk to each other anymore.

M: Right. What happened that made you not talk to each other?

S: No, we're not talking about that.

M: Oh, you're not? It's the mystery occurrence.

K: I don't know, I think Machine Of War was more of your standard studio production as far as recording, and it was a lot cleaner. I mean, we play like we play, but we don't always record like we play. And I think Vermination was kind of a mix between the more standard production process like we did with Machine of War and then we added a bunch of noisy shit like we did in Unholy Death. I guess it wasn't as live or as impromptu.

S: Steve doesn't have much to say.(spills beer)

B: Oh, you fuck!

S: Party foul.

K: The underlying tracks on Vermination were recorded more or less like we did on Machine of War. They were cleaner, but they're all live tracks. I mean, we don't just record a track and then throw everything away and keep the drums 'cause they're good then record everything else on top of it. I think we like as complete a track as possible, and maybe now we add more than we did. Unholy Death was just BOOM that was it, we recorded it.

B: We like to keep it real, right brother?

K: Yeah, I think so. So shut up. (Laughs)

S: When was the last time you got punched in the face, Brian?

B: About five minutes ago.

K: This is the spot where in the interview it says "Skot takes Brian out and beats him up in the parking lot."

B: "Beats him to a bloody pulp."

M: Yeah, I know that one was cheating, but I figured that was kinda interesting and that not a lot of people would know that.

K: Well, I mean, do you disagree Skot?

S: No. I mean with that…

M: Did you hear what he said, Skot?

S: Yes, I did. And with that analogy I understand what he's saying. The pride I take in Unholy Death in the noise. I mean, I think we were the kings of noise, and we didn't necessarily duplicate the noise, but I think we…

B: Well, I don't think we could ever do that again.

K: And there's no sense in trying.

S: I think NME Machine of War95, the sound is fuckin' killer. I think it's a representation of what we wanted sound like. Unholy Death was like you say, that whole era of our lives we just liked to fuck around. So that's what it was. It was just fuck around and fuck around. That was fun, though. That was great.

K: I think we were trying to be a big middle finger, and we were, and I think we still are.

S: I think that metal/punk labels, like we were the punks of metal, basically, was more accurate than you ever thought. But it took retrospect to really understand that. It was like we were, yeah, the middle finger. Middle finger of metal, basically, is what we were.

K: I think we were. I think we were a reaction to hair bands and spandex and all that shit. Whether we were actually good as a band or not, we were consciously trying to say "Fuck all that. Fuck all that bullshit."

B: I revolted against the hair bands, as you can see.

K: (Laughs) Not back then, you didn't.

M: No, you were too busy holding hands (An early promo shot, which can be found on the NME website, shows the band making "metal" faces and holding hands).

(General laughter)

S: That's only a profile, you can't actually tell that.

K: That's just one picture, man!

B: I was thinking of when we were at Federal Way Mall, pushing around someone in a shopping cart.

S: Federal Way Mall? There's no such thing as Federal Way Mall!

B: Whatever.

S: Federal Shopping Way? Yes.

K: Yeah.

B: It was kinda like the Jackasses of metal at that point.

S: There was a Federal Shopping Way. Kurt got kicked out of the mall for a year. The Federal Way Mall (which doesn't evidently exist - DEVON) for a whole year.

K: That had nothing to do with the band. Just like Safeway didn't have anything to do with the band.

B: I was just at SeaTac Mall.

S: SeaTac Mall? Now that's a whole different place!

M: (To Kurt) I didn't ask about that. I shoulda asked about that.

K: All of my infractions with the law really have nothing to do with the band. Other than the security guy who showed up 'cause I was smashing a bat while we were recording.

B: No, we were breaking bottles when we took pictures. Which I have some of those pictures.

K: No, when we were recording Unholy Death, and I was all pissed off and stressed, I took a baseball bat out and took my frustrations out on a little patch of grass and the security guy came out.

B: I thought we broke bottles and then they called the real police? The real police was pissed that the security guys were calling them, 'cause they're like…

S: "The real police was pissed."

B: And they asked me, "Well, what do you do?" And I said, "I sing," and they were like, "Well, demonstrate." I'm thinking, yeah, that's gonna go over well (demonstrates vocal style).

K: "Oh, yeah. Okay, we can see how that works out."

B: Try to explain, I'm like, "Well, it's really not easy to explain."

K: What was the question?

S: Okay, so what are the fake police?

B: The mall security that was around that…

M: Any cop that can't have a gun.

S: So what are the real police?

B: The SeaTac Police Force.

S: SeaTac Police Force at the Federal Way Mall. Great. "It ain't the SeaTac Mall, but it's the Federal Way Fuckin' Mall, and it's the SeaTac Police."

B: I don't know what police it was, dude.

M: Your story's starting to sound unreliable.

(General laughter)

K: This is inadmissible in court.

S: "My name's Brian. I'm full of shit!"

K: That's okay, the statute of limitations is expired on all of this anyway, 'cause we're old.

B: I know a lot of stuff because I am the king of packrats and I keep all that shit.

K: Okay, so any questions about anything getting re-released from way back when is coming from Brian at this point.

M: Okay.

K: All the videos have come from Brian.

M: Should I go back to that one?

K: I don't know.

B: I have demos up the wazzu.

K: I got people askin' for 'em.

B: Oh, okay.

S: Demos of what? What do you mean demos up the wazzu?

B: I'm sorry, let me rephrase:

K: Rehearsal tapes.

B: Practice tapes.

S: Ah, ain't nobody that wants that shit.

B: And I have two unreleased photos.

K: Hang onto those, those'll be valuable.

S: We didn't have pubic hair then, Brian. We were like 14. You know, it's illegal to have pictures of us naked. Oh, that wasn't us, nevermind.

(General laughter)

M: Is it illegal if it's of yourself?

S: What's that now?

M: Is it illegal, though, if it's of yourself?

S: When I was 14?

M: Yeah, but it's you.

S: But I'm naked! What's wrong with you? Why do you want to see it so bad?! What's wrong with you, man?

M: I didn't say I wanted to see it, I said it's okay for you to look at photos of yourself naked.

S: But I had a boner!

B: Oh, really?

K: I think there's something wrong with that.

B: Wait a second, Skot.

K: It may not be against the law, but there's something wrong with it.

S: Excuse me one second, why do you have pictures of yourself when you were 14 naked?

K: 'Cause I like 'em.

S: My uncle kept takin' 'em.

B: I like to jack off to my own photos.

K: It's just what I grew up with, all right?

S: I was in the Catholic church, and the priest loved those pictures. They were paying me money for that shit.

K: What was the question?

B: I heard something…

M: The process of merging the sound…

S: The question was have we seen the naked pictures of Brian. Thank God, no.

K: Did we answer it?

M: I think so.

B: I wonder if we should address that…

K: I think Vermination was a conscious attempt to, uh, yeah, mix the two. For me it was.

S: Is there a question about Brian irritating women? And everyone in general?

M: No, but there was a question about his pants and delaying the band.

K: Actually, it started out with you and your helmet, and then it turned into his pants. Your helmet turned into his pants! So that means his pants, you wear on your head.

S: Oh, my God, that's disgusting.

B: You'll pass out.

S: "Smells as bad as that helmet…wait a minute!"

B: But at least I'm not 14.

S: Where are the 14 year old boys? They need to be at the show.

K: (singing Skid Row)14 and life you know, 14 and life to go.

SAS: Hi, there.

K: This is working out good, huh?

(General laughter)

K: (To me) I told you!

S: We don't need the other Steve.

M: Are you annoyed that so many people seem to think Unholy Death is the only NME album?

S: Nope. Okay, go on to the next one.

M: Okay. I've heard a rumor there's a song in the works that's secretly about mowing the lawn. Are there any other…

S: Nope, go to the next one.

M: I haven't finished the question.

S: Oh. Sorry.

M: That's just the rumor.

K: There's a rumor.

M: Are there any other hidden meanings to NME songs you'd like to share? And even if you don't want to share 'em, share 'em anyway.

S: Uhm, the song "Gumn" is about road rage.

M: I'd guessed that, yeah. (The song contains the line, "Driving down the highway, if you're an asshole, I might kill you.")

S: You guessed that?

K: Is that hidden?

S: I thought it was hidden, 'cause I wanted to chew gum. Instead of using the gun.

K: Geez, I could answer that, but not sitting right here. I mean, I'd have to sit down and think about it. Yeah, I think a lot of the stuff that came after Unholy Death is probably a little more obscure.

M: Oblique.

K: Yeah, there you go, oblique.

S: Uh oh, I'm vibrating.

B: Those are muscles.

K: And esoteric. Yeah. I think I've always tried to purposefully have multiple meanings.

(Skot's phone makes birdy noises)

B: That's gay.

S: What's up, dude?

K: Yeah, but after some point…

S: We're in the fucking back parking lot getting interviewed.

K: I tried to write…

S: In the back parking lot, motherfucker.

K: Lyrics that just really maybe meant something to me…

S: Huh? Yeah.

K: But could mean any number of things.

S: Huh? Well, how you calling from that number? We're in the back parking lot!

K: "Dead Years" is about being resurrected. Does that help you?

M: Lots of prominent musicians site Unholy Death as an influence. Which made you proudest and why?

K: Which band?

M: Or musician.

S: What's that, now?

M: Lots of people list Unholy Death as an influence. Who made you proudest and why?

K: Metallica.

M: When did they site you?

K: What, do we have to quote chapter and verse? C'mon, it's well known that Metallica was…

B: Riding our coattails.

S: Pantera.

K: Well, Venom, we influenced Venom in Sweden.

M: Most people don't know that yet, though.

B: All the wacky Norwegians.

K: Uh, I don't know.

S: And Pantera, wearing the NME T-shirt on stage.

B: I think the whole Abigail thing is awesome.

K: I think the whole Abigail thing is just cool as hell. I mean it's just coming out now.

B: It's kind of like you say, kind of embarrassing. It's like fucking record the whole album now, just do it. 'Cause how many times have they done it now? Five songs?

K: Pretty much done half the album.

S: Whatever he says, just blank it out.

B: Whatever…

S: You don't mind, do ya?

K: I think Abigail, from Japan. That was the first band that we actually realized would play our songs and stuff, and it doesn't get much better than that unless of course you're making a bajillion dollars.

M: Well, if they sell a lot of records, you'll get the royalty rights.

K: Yeah, we'd become The Misfits that Metallica helped get over the top. Yeah, I think Abigail is really online with being Metallica.

S: Metallica helped us?

K: Yeah.

S: I like the fact that Metallica helped us.

B: James Hetfield was trying to…

S: Brian! Brian! Brian! Shhhhh.

K: In Master of Puppets…

B: I'm not talking to you.

S: Brian! Brian! Brian! Shhhhh.

K: In Master of Puppets, Kirk Hammett is wearing an NME shirt.

B: Otay.

K: Is he?

M: I don't know.

S: Pantera wore an NME shirt, before.

K: Well, but he's wearing it under his other shirt.

S: Brian! Brian! Shhhhhh.

M: Oh, right, right!

B: Shut up, bitch.

K: I know about! You can't see it in the picture.

M: It's 'cause you're so underground

S: Whoops, I farted. Sorry about that.

B: Now we need to get out.

K: He wrote me a letter and I've got the letter somewhere.

S: It's not shit, it's just a fart.

K: But I suck at packratting. Abigail, Toxic Holocaust, there's a couple of bands that are doing NME covers and shit. I don't know, it's weird.

B: Yo! It's respect, yo!

S: Brian! Brian! Shhhhh.

K: Yes, it's respect, but it's…

S: Please don't talk anymore.

B: Yo, my name ain't Brian, my name is…

S: Shhhhh. Shhhhh. Shhhhh.

K: Try to say yo after everything, would you?

S: Brian, shut up.

K: What was the question?

B: What's that, yo?

K: Metallica. Something about Metallica.

B: Metallica rocks, yo.

S: All right, if Brian says one more phrase, I'm outta here.

B: What's that, yo?

S: Yeah, I'm out of here.

B: All right, fuck off, yo!

S: "Fuck off, yo!" What's up, dog?!

B: Yo!

S: What's up, dog?!

K: Am I answering everything? Hey, why don't you answer something?

S: I did. Then I was done because nobody wanted to hear what I had to say.

K: Ask Brian something.

S: Poor me. Poor me. Poor me.

B: Ask me something, yo!

M: What's your favorite Louis Gossett Jr. movie?

K: Yeah, movie guy!

B: I gots to say…

K: Iron Eagle.

B: Iron Eager. (Sputters trying to correct self)

K: Iron Eager. (Laughs) We're not sure where that was coming from.

B: Iron Eager, yo! Or Iron Eager 6, yo! Straight to video, yo!

K: Was he on that?

B: He's probably been in all of them.

K: He's in all of them. (Referring to question list) Is that actually on there?

M: Yeah, it is.

(General laughter)

S: I don't know, I don't watch movies.

B: I think the movie he did with Chuck Norris, yo, was pretty good.

M: What about the one he did with Kurt Russell (Or, if I wasn't a braindead retard, I might've given the correct co-star: Dennis Quaid)?

S: Louis Gossett Jr. is a black guy, right?

M: Yeah.

K: (To Brian) He's bald, like you, so you would know all about this. This is your question.

S: Shut up, Brian.

K: No, Brian likes movies, and Brian is bald. Louis Gossett Jr. is in movies, and he's bald. C'mon!

B: And he's black like me, yo!

K: So, Iron Eager.

S: Iron Nigger, Iron Neeger, Iron Neeger.

B: And Firewalker, yo. With Chuck Norris, yo.

S: Iron Eagle! That was Iron Eagle! That's what it is! Iron Eagle. Okay, I saw it.

K: That's the only movie I can think of. I mean I know he's in…

B: He's in everything, yo!

M: He's in Enemy Mine.

(General groans)

K: Oh, yeah. Okay. There you go.

M: NME is marketed as evil, yet your original vocalist, a D. Putz, was a Christian. How did that happen?

S: He ain't no fuckin' Christian. What the fuck is that bullshit?

M: Did he claim to be?

S: He might've claimed to be, but he's a fucking dumbshit.

K: Dean Putz…

M: Wouldn't that make him Christian?

S: He's a bigger dumbshit than fucking Brian is.

K: Dean Putz…

B: That's hard to do, yo.

K: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Dean Putz was not in NME.

S: Dean Putz was never in NME, no.

K: He was in Night Prowler.

S: Night Prowler only.

B: That's the whole original vocalist thing, right?

K: We became NME after Dean Putz.

S: There was one show played with a different drummer. Actually, if you want it to be the original NME we need Cathy Beaupain to play the original show. Other than that, basically, NME started after Brian was gone.

K: Yeah, Brian was in the band before Steve.

S: To be honest with you, we came to practice one night and said, "Here's a song." And we played "Acid Reign" and Dean didn't like it. "What the fuck is that?" "Fuck you, you're out."

K: Skot and I got into Venom, and we were like this is what we want to do, as opposed to doing Iron Maiden and Judas Priest covers, although we were doing originals.

B: We were doing "Warrior" one night, and I made, like, a noise. I was like "Yeah…"

S: Lady of the darkness, won't you play for me.

B: And Kurt's like, "Can you do that through the whole song?" and I'm like, "I don't know." And I did it. Then it was like, (Skot leaves) "Do all the songs like that!" So, he takes credit for making me sing that way, too.

K: Yes. There you go. I take credit for everything except for the name. Although, now that Skot's out of the car, I came up with the name.

M: He's not just out of the car, he's gone.

K: Yeah, Dean Putz was never in NME. We got into Venom and we knew he wasn't going to fit into what we wanted to do, but we were too mucha pussies to throw him out. So, we made up the story that we were gonna be black metal 'cause we knew he didn't want to have anything to do with it. And as soon as we told him that, he took himself out of the band. Which was what we wanted.

B: All I can say is…

K: It's what we wanted to happen so it wasn't on us.

B: Thanks to The Rocket (The Rocket is a now defunct free music paper which had a history of putting bands on the cover shortly before they broke up). I must thank The Rocket.

K: The Rocket. I was telling Steve that story.

B: Otherwise I never woulda went there.

M: You had advertised in The Rocket?

K: He had an ad in The Rocket. And he pretty much said he had a whole band, and it was a weird time where I wanted to do more, wanted to do something else. I found this ad where "Singer had whole band except for guitar player and bass."

B: Except for guitar, drums, and bass.

K: No, that wasn't in your ad. That's what you told me on the phone when I called you up. "Well, I don't really have a bass player." And I said, "Well, I have a bass player and a drummer. Well, here, you come join our band!"

B: You do remember things. I don't remember that at all.

K: Yeah. It turned out instead of me joining his band, which didn't exist, he came and joined our band.

B: Which was what? LEGION!

K: And we met at a Puyallup McDonald's and gave him the Night Prowler demo tapes, and I got a foot cramp.

(Tape runs out, and my drunk ass doesn't notice, so one question's original answers are lost. Sorry. The question was "Skot has said NME only has room for two fans, so who's the other one?")

M: Say everything you just said. Again.

S: Uh, two fans. Brian and you.

M: Brian's your fan? But he's your vocalist?

K: Yeah, but he's not like, in the band or anything.

B: Well, in the summer, I use a big piece of cardboard, and I'm their fan.

M: "Japanese people in Abigail." (quoting Skot's original answer)

S: Wait a minute, Kurt's taking a pee right now, so it's kinda throwing me off.

K: My penis is a fan.

S: There's a band called Abigail in Japan.

K: Didn't we already talk about them? C'mon, they don't get two questions.

S: Well, he didn't get it on tape, so we thought we'd throw it back in there.

B: Remember to massage the prostate…

S: Fuck you guys, I'm done!!

M: All right.

SAS: They flew all the way out here.

S: One more! One more! Here we go.

K: Skot, you're the one that said there was only room for two fans. Did you pick 'em?

B: Yeah, go ahead. Go.

S: No, I didn't pick two fans.

K: Can Devon be one of your fans?

S: I don't know, but he's (Secret Asian Steve) fucking doing something up there.

K: Not Hideto, Devon.

B: Why don't we get two fans each?

S: Devon. Devon. Devon. Who the hell is Devon?

K: Hey everybody, if you haven't met Devon, he's in the back of the car.

S: Nobody likes us. Dude, are you kidding me?

SAS: He doesn't have a band across the sea playing you guys' cover songs. That's a fan.

S: There's a band from Jersey. I'm from Joysey.

K: Can we get on the record as being limited potential (this is another reference to the Heir Apparent word war).

B: Limited brain power.

S: Just say we're as dumb as we look, man.

K: Garage band with limited potential…oh, nominal skill.

S: Nominal Satanas!

M: With the reformation of the original NME lineup, the band has returned to playing Unholy Death songs the same way they were played in the mid-80s. Is it hard to go back to old version after years of making what the band would presumably see as improvements on those songs, developing them to what they are today?

S: Thank God I'm so talented I can just do it easy.

K: No.

B: It was hard for me to play 'em the way that they were…

S: Wait, Brian. Brian! Brian! Shut the fuck up. Shut up. Don't even fucking talk.

K: We're playing a few songs that we, the band without Brian, haven't played for a long time.

S: Brian, shut the fuck up! Oh, you weren't talking.

K: That was me, should I shut up? No, there's a few songs.

S: Not you, man, not you. Brian, shut the fuck up.

K: There's a few songs, like "Warrior."

S: Say something, Brian, you fucking piece of shit! You got nothing to say?

K: That we really haven't played for a long time without Brian. And the good thing is, we sucked back then so now that we suck playing them now, it doesn't matter.

M: You stay TROO to your original fans.

K: Yeah, there you go. Steve fucks 'em up in the same place, right, Steve?

SAS: Yeah, pretty much.

S: Anything else you'd like to add? 14 and 14.

K: Steve's on the record, he finally said something.

S: Way to go, Steve. We love Steve. He's got a big "M" on his head.

K: Can we put that on the record, that Steve doesn't get interviewed unless he gets paid, and you wouldn't pay him.

M: I didn't know I had to.

K: I know. I know.

B: All right, last one. I got to put my face on.

M: All right. This one's the easy one, though: Anything else you'd like to add?

S: 14 and 14. Goodnight.

B: There you go.

S: Hey, Steve Meier is here!

K: Hey, yeah, there he is. Okay, now you get to ask him all the questions.

M: The Steve Meier exclusive.

K: I told you it's uncontrollable.

M: That's all right.

K: There's no answers here.

M: I think out of the 19 or so, there's maybe three.

K: You can make up stuff. That's what you should have done in the first place. Not even bothered with it. We could come back here, just drink beer. You go home, write out a great interview.

M: Make everything up.

B: I'd like for the wives to move out of my place 'cause …

S: Fuck me in the ass with no Vaseline! Again, Kurt, you wouldn't want to do that again! Wow, Kurt's just like, "I love that pain!" That's a weird pain. You know, getting fucked in the ass with no Vaseline, you've had that, Brian. You know, you remember. The point is…oh, the recorder's still on. Did I say that out loud? Sorry.

B: It's good for my 'rhoids. It packs them up there.

S: Well, that time they were hanging down. Dude, it was the best fuck in the ass I ever had.

B: It's kinda like mud flaps on a chick.

K: I think this interview is going to go a long way to selling our album again.

B: Yeah, I look forward to the royalties.

Thanks to Brian for not offering me teabags until the interview was over, Steve for not showing up, Secret Asian Steve for the shirt, Skot for making the transcription process nice and easy, Kurt for the beer, Chris for hosting yet another interview, and Jackie for making me cut the even stupider questions beforehand.

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