Dear Red States

Anything that doesn't fit into the subject of other forums goes here. Guns, drugs, religion, politics whatever. No flames!

Moderator: Chris Slack

Post Reply
User avatar
Blonde leading the blonde
Posts: 1970
Joined: Fri May 24, 2002 10:00 pm
Location: Petting Zoo
Contact:

Dear Red States

Post by Blonde leading the blonde » Thu Oct 30, 2008 3:13 pm

Well, while it's true that any sufficiently skilled spin doctor can come up with a set of statistics to prove very nearly anything, I still think this is just a hysterical point of view. And it beats moving to Canada! :D

Dear RED STATES,

If for some stupid reason, we lose the 3rd Presidential Election in a row to you right wing morons, we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii,Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin,Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom... or what's left of it.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of obese single teenage moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.
We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners - what irony), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred (unless we're discussing the Iraq war, the death penalty or gun laws), 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that ditch weed they grow in Missouri.

Peace out,

Blue States
[img]http://23.floweringnightshade.com/shade/images/VernTinkStar.jpg[/img]

[font="Arial Narrow"]It's not who you are, it's what you wear. I mean, who cares who you are?[/font]

[url=http://www.myspace.com/theblondeleadingtheblonde][font="Arial"][SIZE="2"]100,000 Lemmings Can't Be Wrong![/SIZE][/font][/url]


User avatar
Ciaran
Posts: 3673
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2002 3:18 pm
Location: Seattle

Post by Ciaran » Thu Oct 30, 2008 4:51 pm

Somebody's gonna need a passport for Disneyland.
[size=75]

[i]Be brave! And one you too will be free![/i]
-Cledfb

[i]"The thing is, all this 'I'm different in real life' is crap. Your lie might not be the real you, but you are a liar."[/i]
-I am 138

[i]"Let us toast the fools - but for them, the rest of us could not succeed."[/i]
-Mark Twain
[/size]

User avatar
DeathFrogg
Posts: 2291
Joined: Sun Feb 23, 2003 1:19 pm
Location: Seattle
Contact:

Post by DeathFrogg » Thu Oct 30, 2008 6:31 pm

Ciaran wrote:Somebody's gonna need a passport for Disneyland.
Naw, we'll move Disneyland to central Texas.

They're gonna need it.
-


When fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross. -Sinclair Lewis


"If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their money, first by inflation and then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them, will deprive the people of their property until their children will wake up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered. - Thomas Jefferson

User avatar
Irrylath
Posts: 4459
Joined: Sun Sep 29, 2002 12:00 pm
Location: Seattle

Post by Irrylath » Thu Oct 30, 2008 6:39 pm

:rolleyes:
There are two means of refuge from the misery of life - music and cats.
- - - Albert Schweitzer

[img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v694/irrylath76/mordor.jpg[/img]

User avatar
Project Undead Vish
Posts: 3973
Joined: Wed Mar 10, 2004 5:26 pm
Location: Kent, WA
Contact:

Post by Project Undead Vish » Thu Oct 30, 2008 7:18 pm

I'd like to add the story of Joe Republican:
Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first swallow of water, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to ensure their safety and that they work as advertised.

All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance - now Joe gets it too.

He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained.

Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for the laws to stop industries from polluting our air.

He walks on the government-provided sidewalk to subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe's employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union.

If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he'll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some stupid liberal didn't think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

It is noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime. Joe also forgets that his in addition to his federally subsidized student loans, he attended a state funded university.

Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car safety standards to go along with the tax-payer funded roads.

He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers' Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans.

The house didn't have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification.

He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to.

Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn't mention that the beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day. Joe agrees: "We don't need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have."
Hate the religion and pity the believer.
[img]http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a50/VishDonkeyPunch/thlohanboobies.gif[/img]


User avatar
DeathFrogg
Posts: 2291
Joined: Sun Feb 23, 2003 1:19 pm
Location: Seattle
Contact:

Post by DeathFrogg » Thu Oct 30, 2008 7:34 pm

Image
-


When fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross. -Sinclair Lewis


"If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their money, first by inflation and then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them, will deprive the people of their property until their children will wake up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered. - Thomas Jefferson

User avatar
The Green Manalishi
Posts: 157
Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2008 7:25 pm
Location: Seattle Baye-be

Post by The Green Manalishi » Fri Oct 31, 2008 3:20 pm

Ya know...
Canada's got some pretty rockin Hockey.
And their Beer is tasty.
Awfully close too...(distance speaking).
And hey, whats wrong with a lil bit o' French-Canadian hospitality?
Hmmmm.

PEACE OUUUUT.
"Ideas, who knows where they frickin' come from".
"Issac Newton invented gravity because some asshole hit him in the head with an apple."

-"Christafah" Moltisanti -Soprano's


:devildoll
[url]http://www.myspace.com/puppyuppers[/url]

User avatar
dying to see
Posts: 2947
Joined: Tue Nov 25, 2003 7:31 pm
Location: up your butt around the corner, and....damnit now i'm lost

Post by dying to see » Sat Nov 01, 2008 7:31 pm

DeathFrogg wrote:Naw, we'll move Disneyland to central Texas.

They're gonna need it.
If they get Disneyland, we get Legoland.
"I like my metal like I like my women. Dirty, old, drunk and violent on speed."

"If it aint metal, then FUCK YOU!"

User avatar
DeathFrogg
Posts: 2291
Joined: Sun Feb 23, 2003 1:19 pm
Location: Seattle
Contact:

Post by DeathFrogg » Sat Nov 01, 2008 8:10 pm

dying to see wrote:If they get Disneyland, we get Legoland.


Goddamn right. They wouldn't know what to do with it anyway.

Lego is the shit.
-


When fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross. -Sinclair Lewis


"If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their money, first by inflation and then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them, will deprive the people of their property until their children will wake up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered. - Thomas Jefferson

User avatar
Project Undead Vish
Posts: 3973
Joined: Wed Mar 10, 2004 5:26 pm
Location: Kent, WA
Contact:

Post by Project Undead Vish » Tue Nov 04, 2008 6:28 pm

Image
Hate the religion and pity the believer.
[img]http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a50/VishDonkeyPunch/thlohanboobies.gif[/img]

User avatar
Blonde leading the blonde
Posts: 1970
Joined: Fri May 24, 2002 10:00 pm
Location: Petting Zoo
Contact:

Post by Blonde leading the blonde » Tue Nov 04, 2008 9:06 pm

Project Undead Vish wrote:Image
My name is Carrie, and I approve this message.
[img]http://23.floweringnightshade.com/shade/images/VernTinkStar.jpg[/img]

[font="Arial Narrow"]It's not who you are, it's what you wear. I mean, who cares who you are?[/font]

[url=http://www.myspace.com/theblondeleadingtheblonde][font="Arial"][SIZE="2"]100,000 Lemmings Can't Be Wrong![/SIZE][/font][/url]

User avatar
zach
Posts: 615
Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2005 8:33 pm
Location: Olympia
Contact:

Post by zach » Wed Nov 05, 2008 8:30 am

As brad from Fallen Angels said the other night (or something similar):

We've been voting for the same politicians for 40 years. Nothing will ever change.
Death to false metal! It is sacrilege! Give me metal or give me DEATH!
[url=http://www.myspace.com/skelator]Skelator[/url] / [url=http://www.metal-on-metal.com]Metal on Metal Records[/url]


Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest