House of the Dead

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Remo D
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House of the Dead

Post by Remo D » Sat Oct 11, 2003 5:47 pm

Quite some time back, somebody anticipated the release of this movie by saying... "Let Remo D. see it first." Yep. You knew I would.

So--you thought Rob Zombie's flickering "music-video" flashes in HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES were annoying? Try incessant flashes of the damn VIDEO GAME on which this "movie" is based!

And... hold on... before I get started, let's not stop with Rob Zombie. Did any of you say anything bad about any filmmaker this year? It's okay to admit it--you did, right? Now, what I want you to do right now is make a nice, humble apology to that filmmaker you said anything bad about--especially if you suggested that he or his work approached "worst of the year" status.

No. Not at all. There's much, much worse out there... and it's called HOUSE OF THE DEAD.

I was lukewarm on RESIDENT EVIL. Do I even need to say that it's a masterpiece of zombie horror by comparison? Hell, this thing makes me want to give WRONG TURN another chance.

Just plain horrendous, putrid writing (honest to God, they use "It's quiet... almost TOO quiet!"), and not clever enough to fool me into thinking it was deliberately hokey. Wretched characters. Excruciating, blinding editing that cuts away whenever something's about to "happen." George Romero invoked by name, but his rules not even ripped off appropriately.

And the chairman of the board: the central fight scene as everyone converges on the house.

My LORD! I don't think I've ever seen such a godawful sequence in my LIFE! Yet more "Matrix" crap. Video game flashes. Round and round and round. Grenades blowing up and zombies flying in front of the blasts. Over and over and over again. Soundtrack attempting to deafen. And it just goes ON like this! ON AND ON AND ON AND ON...

I almost walked out on this thing. How could any movie so short be so incredibly long, boring, padded and STUPID?

My friends, you couldn't make a worse movie than this if you TRIED.

Congratulations, Boll Weevil, or Tidy Bowl, or Wee Wee Bowl, or whatever the hell your name is... you have finally set a new standard of awfulness.

Everyone ELSE trying to make so-called horror films today? You owe this man a huge debt of thanks--your work is AUTOMATICALLY better.

Think I'm kidding? Only one way to find out... but you'd better hurry.
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Post by FOG » Sat Oct 11, 2003 6:02 pm

Holy shit

it looked bad, but not THAT bad. All that talk just makes me want to go and see it.

scenes from the video game are in the movie??? no way!
Let's ask him, what's the deal?

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Post by Chris Slack » Sat Oct 11, 2003 7:22 pm

I'll wait for video and expect the worst.
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Post by Griff [Mola] » Sat Oct 11, 2003 8:33 pm

Alas, I doubt even the presence of the adorable Clint Howard could save this shitbag.

And to think some fucko's have hired this chump to make ALONE IN THE DARK, another video game adaption, based on his efforts here.

They must be fucking idiots.

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Re: House of the Dead

Post by Frank the Hammer » Sat Oct 11, 2003 10:33 pm

Originally posted by Remo D
(honest to God, they use "It's quiet... almost TOO quiet!"),



Tell me you're joking.
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Post by Remo D » Sat Oct 11, 2003 10:47 pm

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by Remo D
(honest to God, they use "It's quiet... almost TOO quiet!"),
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




>Tell me you're joking.

I like to think I've got a hell of a sense of humor, but when I tell you I'm not joking... I'm NOT joking.

How's this--they've got Jurgen Prochnow as a boat skipper named Kirk. So someone figures out "So you're Captain Kirk? Is there a Mr. Spock?"

And Kirk jabs a knife between the guy's fingers as they rest on the railing and says "I don't like no Captain Kirk jokes."

Apparently, that was supposed to be humorous and intense at the same time... and that's the best thing they can come up with.

Alas, I doubt even the presence of the adorable Clint Howard could save this shitbag.


Nope... as Kirk's sidekick, he hams it up even worse than you might have thought he was capable of hamming it up. He wears a rain slicker and carries a gaffing hook to invoke fine memories of the "Summer" films to add that touch of class. (Either that, or he's impersonating ME, in which case, I'll have to KILL him.) Oh, and he gives a topless girl a pendant to ward off evil spirits (she's changing clothes because her boyfriend barfed beer all over her). Yeah, there's nudity and all that--all jammed into the first twenty minutes or so. Nice, but it doesn't help in the long run.

Oh, and how's this? One character gets bitten, and another gets a faceful of acidic zombie spew... and we're denied seeing either of them actually become zombies and attack their friends? About as much thought went into this as will go into the next random keyboard strikes I will now make... iewqfjdsr

Now THAT'S a MOVIE!
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...and I don't even have a dog!

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Post by Kimberly » Sun Oct 12, 2003 12:12 am

The fattest joint couldn't even save this movie... it was horrible.

Two letter review...
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Post by stypees back » Sun Oct 12, 2003 12:28 am

Dammit to hell! I was looking forward to this piece of shit. Well, I guess I'll wait for the DVD and rent it. I'm sure it'll only be a couple of months. I'm glad you wrote a review on it because I was going to head out and see it during the week. I'll probably catch something else instead...

Got to see KILL BILL VOL 1.. the gore was plentiful but the black and white pissed me off.. Fucking MPAA shit!
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Post by Darth Tanner » Sun Oct 12, 2003 8:41 am

I walked in knowing this movie was probably going to suck, so it at least met those expectations for me. After all, how many video games actually translate well to the big screen? The first question that came to my mind after it was all over was "What were they thinking?"

It's hard to tell what they were doing with this one. It starts out promising enough with some gratuitous T&A, but it starts getting stupid after 15 minutes. Everything about this movie (script, story, directing, etc) approaches a whole new level of bad. I like to think that they were trying to be campy on purpose. If so then they really missed the boat here. The presense of genre vets Clint Howard, Jurgen Prochnow and Ellie Cornell is probably the only thing remotely good about this mess (even if Howard was underused) and you can't blame them for what they had to work with. But the rest of the cast is completely forgettable. All the 360-degree freeze-frame and bullet-time shots also got really boring after awhile. The inclusion of the video-game footage also left me groaning in boredom. At times it was almost like watching someone play the damn video game itself. Even the decent gore couldn't save this. I'm hoping the uncut version (if it really exists) will make this a little better, but there is no compensation for the lousy story and terrible script.

This may be the most disappointing release I've seen this year, but I can't say I haven't seen worse. As bad as it is, I'll still take HOUSE OF THE DEAD over crap like HEADLESS EYES or EROTIC NIGHTS OF THE LIVING DEAD anytime. But I still think I would have been better off seeing KILL BILL instead. After seeing the teaser, I'm looking forward to RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE. Hopefully that one will be a lot better.
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Post by Darth Tanner » Sun Oct 12, 2003 8:48 am

Originally posted by FOG
Holy shit

it looked bad, but not THAT bad. All that talk just makes me want to go and see it.

scenes from the video game are in the movie??? no way!


Yep, the badness of this movie has to be seen to be believed. But it will probably be best to wait until video or else see it at a matinee. Just don't say you weren't warned.

As ridiculous as it sounds, footage from the game is used (very poorly) in the movie. Brief glimpses of the game are inserted during the action scenes. A few of them even have the "reload" and "free play" messages. Unfortunately, it all sounds funnier than it really is and I still can't understand why the filmmakers resorted to that method. It certainly couldn't be fore economic reasons.
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Post by FOG » Sun Oct 12, 2003 9:13 am

It must just sopund funnier than it really is.

Because as I sit here reading all these reviews I am very tempted to just run out and go see it right now.

Clint Howard!?!?? My god, it sounds so good. But then again, I fell for Resident Evil sounding funny too... Hmmmm...

To see? or not to see?
Let's ask him, what's the deal?

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Post by Kimberly » Sun Oct 12, 2003 12:32 pm

Clint Howard was horrible in it... all my cousin and I kept singing when he would be on screen was "Trust the Gordon's fisherman".... I also kept waiting for him to cover his eye and say "Arrrgh"...

I really don't think those that haven't seen it have grasped how truly awful this movie was... it's not even fun in a B movie/camp kind of way...

It's 90 min of my life that I will never have back...

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Post by Darth Tanner » Sun Oct 12, 2003 8:04 pm

Originally posted by Kimberly
I really don't think those that haven't seen it have grasped how truly awful this movie was... it's not even fun in a B movie/camp kind of way...

It's 90 min of my life that I will never have back...


As I said, this is definitely something that people will just have to see to believe. I never believed that movies like BATTLEFIELD EARTH or SHOWGIRLS could be as bad as everybody said they were until I actually saw them for myself. But at least those movies were bad in a campy way. This one just tries to be campy and falls flat. There was some bits that I did like, but not enough to give the movie much replay value for me. But I have to admit that I did enjoy HOUSE OF THE DEAD more than I did another Z-level zombie flick....CHILDREN OF THE LIVING DEAD. Now there is 90 minutes of my life that I wish I could get back from John Russo. I really hated that movie and it actually makes HOUSE OF THE DEAD look good.

Seeing HOTD makes me want to go back and check out RESIDENT EVIL again. While that isn't a classic either, it does have it's merits and I have to admit that Milla Jovovich is pretty damn hot with a gun (plus you get to see her bush;))

FOG - if you are inclined to check it out, then no one is to stop you (who knows you may see something in it none of us can). But I have a feeling this may be making a quick trip to DVD so it might be best to wait until then unless you have any $1 theaters in your area.
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Post by ROBERT » Sun Oct 12, 2003 8:14 pm

But I have to admit that I did enjoy HOUSE OF THE DEAD more than I did another Z-level zombie flick....CHILDREN OF THE LIVING DEAD. Now there is 90 minutes of my life that I wish I could get back from John Russo. I really hated that movie and it actually makes HOUSE OF THE DEAD look good.



That's like comparing texture on two piles of shit the neighbor's pit bull made in the backyard. One was made with greater enthusiasm but both equally stink to high heaven.


Too bad this same douchbag is directing the Alone In The Dark videogame adaptation. That was one of my top three favourite horror themed videogames of all time. It'll be sad to see it royally fucked on the big screen.
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Post by FOG » Sun Oct 12, 2003 8:28 pm

Chuck - I am afraid you are too late.

I just got back from this movie, and sitting here now I realize all of you must be crazy, because that movie was fucking awesome.

No, not really... But I thought the Matrix stuff was pretty hilarious. And splicing in those scenes from the game!!! A stroke of innovative genius!!

come on guys, it wasn't THAT horrible. The movie was kinda fun in a trashy B-movie sorta way. The mad spaniard scientist/musclehead (his flashbacks were hilarious!), Liberty, the Asian raver suddenly turned karate expert, Jonathan Cherry (perhaps my new favorite actor after this and his stellar role in FD2) - some of this shit reminded me of Troll 2! And Clint Howard! By god, his performance in this parallels the ice cream man!

Man, this movie was allright. My only complaint is that it slowed down a little in tha mittle. And for some reason there was a large percentage of overweight children running around in the theater I saw it in (whats up with that??)

Seriously though, what other movie are you going to see this year that has the main characters run across a pond embarassingly filled with dry ice, not once, but two times(!) and hear dialogue like this

Jonathan Cherry: All that matters is that I didn't save her!
Curly Haired Girl: But it's not your fault!
Cherry: You don't know! You weren't here! You weren't here to see me watch them tear her apart!

I was laughin pretty hard when it got to the fourth or fifth character's matrix spin around thing. Plus everytime a character died it just showed the camera spinning around them and the screen turning red!!!

Truly awful.
**1/2 out of ****
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Post by Kimberly » Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:23 am

Originally posted by FOG

I just got back from this movie, and sitting here now I realize all of you must be crazy, because that movie was fucking awesome.

No, not really... But I thought the Matrix stuff was pretty hilarious. And splicing in those scenes from the game!!! A stroke of innovative genius!!

come on guys, it wasn't THAT horrible. The movie was kinda fun in a trashy B-movie sorta way.
**1/2 out of ****


What drugs were you on and where can I get some? :smoke:

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Post by FOG » Mon Oct 13, 2003 6:42 am

Originally posted by Kimberly
What drugs were you on and where can I get some?


Bad movies.

You can usually find them in the dusty areas of the video store.
Let's ask him, what's the deal?

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Post by MuC » Fri Nov 07, 2003 1:18 am

Originally posted by FOG
some of this shit reminded me of Troll 2!


now theres a movie...

this movie pretty much lived up to my expectations of what i thought it was gonna be...crap...just one question...what is with the current trend of fast moving zombies...watched the dawn of the dead trailer...fast zombies...hotd...fast zombies...i dont get it...
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