Whiteout... NON-HORROR ALERT

[Remo D]

Forget nostalgia... there was a time where I would have rolled my eyes and saluted the guys who got me to see something like this on the pretense that it was something else. Today, I'm just annoyed.

When I first saw the trailer for WHITEOUT, I was convinced that I was seeing a preview for the long-threatened remake of John Carpenter's THE THING. Soon enough, it became clear that this wasn't literally the case, but still, it was Dark Castle, and it was obviously SOME sort of horror movie, right?

I should have gone to SORORITY ROW instead. It might not have been good, but at least it would have been a HORROR film, and I'm still mildly curious as to how a nominal 80s remake becomes a IKWYDLS ripoff and whether or not it gets away with it.

WHITEOUT? Nothing but a murder mystery set on an Antarctic research base. See, there's a mysterious MacGuffin of a treasure that went down in the area on a Soviet aircraft back in 1957. Is it weapons material? Political dynamite?

Eh, there's gore. Mangled frostbitten bodies, a throat slashing, you know. But try to guess who the bad guy is, and you're still left with nearly an hour to go in this thing--it's THAT obvious and THAT dull, though Kate Beckinsale isn't to blame for that, and though it IS nice to see Tom Skerritt again.

I wouldn't have believed this was a Dark Castle production at all if it weren't for the credits. Hell, even production designer Graham "Grace" Walker is back in action... and he's the guy who designed the haunted asylum in GOTHIKA and the newfangled HOUSE OF WAX... but once again he's denied the central setpiece that defines the look of the film. This is Antarctica and all that that entails. Lots of snow, majestic mountains... climactic fight scene in which everything's so blurry that you can't tell who the hell's doing what to whom... and I guess that's the idea (WHITEOUT, get it?). But it doesn't make for exciting cinema.

And it SURE as hell doesn't make for horror. I guess that with ORPHAN, Dark Castle decided they'd done it all and that they were going to branch out into other genres. We've got NINJA ASSASSIN coming up next, but you KNOW where you stand with THAT one. At least, I THINK you do.

But pushing WHITEOUT as horror was a screwjob, and frankly, I hope this thing TANKS.

[Darth Tanner]

As much as I like Kate Beckinsale and Tom Skeritt, I was real iffy about this one just by seeing the previews. After reading Remo's ever-reliable review, I've decided to sit this one out until it comes out on video. I'll probably put my movie dollar toward SORORITY ROW instead. But I have to ask Remo....is WHITEOUT anywhere near as bad as THE REAPING (or worse)?

I also agree that Dark Castle films seem to have lost their luster. Their best movie in my book is the remake of HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (with the HOUSE OF WAX remake coming close behind). All of their other films failed to impress me the way those two did. But I have to admit I am looking forward to NINJA ASSASSIN and hope it recaptures at least some of the charm of those Sho Kosugi ninja flicks I watched as a kid back in the 80's. We'll just have to see.....

[Remo D]

WHITEOUT is on the same plane as THE REAPING... another poorly-written thriller from the same writers (the Hayes brothers, in this case adapting a graphic novel I've never heard of).

Don't get me wrong--I may have felt 'burned,' but I wouldn't have liked it even if I HAD known exactly what sort of film it was supposed to be. It's just... not... good.

Funny thing, though... both WHITEOUT and SORORITY ROW tanked equally!

[ROBERT]

WHITEOUT the graphic novel was actually pretty good. No it isn't horror and that blame lies with the studio for marketing it in that manner, it's a mystery albeit a gruesome one. I had some hopes for the film but every review I've read isn't much better than Shane's.

[Darth Tanner]

Finally caught up to this on video. One of my local Movie Gallery stores was having a "going out of business" sale and I stocked up on a bunch of titles including this one (which wound up costing me just $5). I didn't hate it as much as Remo since I already knew ahead of time what I was getting into before I watched it. But it still was a big disappointment and definitely NOT a horror film. Kate Beckinsale and Tom Skerritt were both pretty good in their roles even if the script doesn't give them much to do. But the story moved at a snail's pace and had too many tired cliches for my taste. I'm glad I paid as little as I did to see this because I would have felt pretty burned if I had seen this in the theatre. NINJA ASSASSIN was far more entertaining IMO.

One small thing that I got a kick out of was briefly seeing the DVD for THEM! on the floor of Kate's bedroom:) Anybody else catch that?