VAN HELSING stinks

[Griff [Mola]]

Hold yer nose when you're watching this one, folks. Its brutal.

[wofshevy]

I liked it. To me I went in not expecting much. I am not a fan of his MUMMY films but I did like DEEP RISING which he also did. To me it was a throw back to the Universal monster fests like HOUSE OF DRACULA or HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN or even FRANKENSTEIN VS THE WOLFMAN. They went and took a bunch of thier monsters and just let it go. This is a monster movie. It is not HORROR. They did change up all the monsters but that did not bother me. I expected it. There are lots of injokes. I was not going into this expecting a REAL HORROR movie. I got what I expected a SUMMER MONSTER MOVIE. I liked the flying vampire chicks who they made into harpies. Very RAY HARRYHAUSEN like. I thought they were pretty cool. There are a lot of one liners and for the most part they suck but I am a FAMOUS MONSTERS kid so I am use to crappy one liners ala FORRY ACKERMAN style. You know what I am talking about if you grew up a FAMOUS MONSTERS fan. If not then it will mean nothing to you. I have read nothing but bad reviews on this. I did not go in looking for CAPT KRONOS VAMPIRE HUNTER. I just liked seeing a monster movie up on the big screen. And it was not bad. If you are a monster fan I think you will like this. Some of the CGI is not good. The wolfman just does not look right. And the plot is stupid as hell. When you see why they have the Frankenstein monster you will go what the hell is that stupid shit.But it does deliver as a monster movie. what can I say. I just dont think its as bad as everyone is making it out to be.

[ROBERT]

Hold yer nose when you're watching this one, folks. Its brutal.

No surprises there.

[DylanDog]

Wolfshevy, you really sound like you are trying to convince yourself.


It's at the drivein this weekend (double bill with "Walking Tall") so I'll see it there.

[Griff [Mola]]

So its a monster movie... its a shit monster movie. The monsters suck. I'd trade 'em all for just one good monster. As a monster movie fan, I find this movie offensive. And boring.

[Latte Thunder]

I was really hoping for it to be cheesy in a good way. This is not the first time I've heard that it even fails on that level.

[behindspace]

as im been telling some friends of mine here and there...

"hugh jackman can only play wolverine and sing a mean musical..."

[DylanDog]

Saw it tonight. The worst part is I actually found the opening black and white scene to be somewhat encouraging, but it was all downhill fast from there. I'll not sit here and bash the overuse of CGI since that's been done to death (though it is more than relevant here, there was one scene of a vampire bride disintergrating that looked just brutal), but here are two more things I'm an more than tired of and which this movie regurgitates. When someone get punched, could we please just go back to having them fall over rather than always flying across the room before smashing through a wall??? And why do movies set in the past always have to have fancy gadgets that no one even uses today? I mean, those spinning blades and wooden stake machine guns just have to go. This movie has to go. Go away and be forgotten. Though sadly the marketing campaign for this piece of shit is in full swing and won't allow that to happen.

[Remo D]

Stephen Sommers truly, obviously loves the Universal Classic Monster movies. Of course, it doesn't stop there. He also loves serial thrillers. And Ray Harryhausen creature-features. And superhero films. And James Bond films.

Well, so do I. And there's nothing wrong with any of this. But when you try to do it all at once...

I put this somewhere between THE MUMMY (which I liked) and THE MUMMY RETURNS (which I didn't). I thought the prologue was wonderful, and the action kept things going for a while--but it started to coast well before we got to the last half-hour of the film.

The monsters are treated lovingly but without a compelling story to hang them on. We're back to the ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN plot when it comes down to it--but THAT film worked because the monsters stayed scary while the leads played it funny. The "man without a past" gimmick was too easy a way out for this Van Helsing to work as a character, though I DID think that Hugh Jackman was personable in the role. They tried to give the monsters personality, too--part of the reason the Frankenstein Monster is as emotional and chatty as he is was an attempt to avoid the HOUSE OF DRACULA effect (where the Monster was finally reduced to a prop with nothing to do but come abruptly to life in the final minute of the film!).

I'm quite forgiving with the excesses of Indiana Jones-type adventures (part of the reason Sommers' MUMMY worked for me)--but really... did they absolutely have to find a way to make a horse-drawn carriage EXPLODE after a crash? VAN HELSING finally succumbs to overkill (and WAY too much Spiderman swinging).

My children enjoyed it--no surprises there--but I'm glad I grounded them in the classics first.

I get the impression that VAN HELSING is going to top plenty of "worst of the year" lists... but it won't be on mine. The Middle Ground will do. Please don't forget that I sat through GODSEND, okay?

[I am 138]

I didn't mind it as a stupid action movie, though the CG was often quite grating.

Did anyone else think it had a few too many Star Wars nods/overtones?

Did anyone else think that the werewolves looked more like werebunnies?

[wofshevy]

Like I said its a summer movie. Its a popcorn movie. I got what I expected. It did for me what I EXPECTED it to. It is not a piece of SHIT. That is unfair. There are tons of much more SHIT out there. I can understand why people do not like it. I happen to have liked it. If you want shit then catch THE PUNISHER. Now that was shit. Give me the Dolf version anyday.

[Griff [Mola]]

Originally posted by wofshevy
It is not a piece of SHIT. That is unfair. There are tons of much more SHIT out there.

I don't think VAN HELSING needs our charity. SHIT is a perfectly apt description, if that's how one feels.

I've been thinking about what you said about the 'harpie' sequence and how Remo mentioned that Sommers obviously loves Harryhausen and all that carry-on... I agree that there's a definite love for the material but I don't believe Sommers appreciates what makes those things work.

SPOILERS ahoy!

For all the effort put into that extensive Harpie/Vampire Bitch attack on the village, it fails to even approximate the thrill that should come with such a potentially satisfying sequence. By comparison, the brief fell beast attack on Minas Tirith in RETURN OF THE KING gets it note perfect in that one shot where the poor soldiers are dropped from dizzying heights by their airborn assailants and they fall screaming to their terrifying doom (joyously bouncing off rooftops, walls and catapaults in the process). Now that's fucking King Kong shaking the adventurers off the log - not this mindless mayhem we're saturated with in VH.

I can handle an exploding horse-drawn carriage, but when Helsing gets knocked off said carriage onto the first of three galloping sets of steeds, what's the point when he effortlessly leaps across back onto the carriage? Where's the tension? Where's the peril? Where's the thrill? I thought Helsing was in danger for about 0.5 seconds. Well done Stephen Sommers, you master of suspense, you. The movie is a succession of spectular events occuring in a most uncompelling fashion, one after the other.

I'd go on and on but I've forgotten most of this movie already. Consider yourselves lucky!

[TrueHorrorFan]

Bela Lagosi, Lon Chaney JR, and Boris Karloff must be turning over in their graves. This movie blew a load. Avoid this one fellow horror fans, dont get suckerd in like some of us did.

[Darth Tanner]

Even though it didn't live up to my expectations, I can't say I was entirely disappointed with VAN HELSING. Sure it doesn't capture the charm of the old Universal films, but it wasn't a total loss. Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale were pretty good in their roles. Some of the CGI was bad, but luckily there wasn't much of it. The one criticism I had was the prologue with Mr. Hyde. While it was interesting, the sequence did nothing for the movie and could have easily been left out. In short, nothing truly terrible but could definitely have been a little better. I guess I have a soft spot for this since I'm a fan of the Universal monsters, but I had a bit more fun with MONSTER SQUAD:) Also, is it just me or does anyone else think that the fate of Kate Beckinsale's character was a nod to HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN?