Okay, I'm coming back to this board now. Last time I was quite prepared to dump SOUL SURVIVORS--to make it the exception to my "completist" rule. Well, times have drastically changed, as we all know--and as fate would have it, this much-maligned misfire of a "horror" film opened near enough to me to count for something.
I'll be damned if I let anybody, let alone a group of evil cowards, tell me or anyone else how to live. There's a horror movie in town, and I'm bloody well going to the movies if I want to go to the movies.
No matinee price today--the stupid thing's sharing a screen with PLANET OF THE APES on separate admission. No matter. They gave me free ice water to make up for the drink money I blew on a ticket, and they immediately changed the lens when I told them that everybody was looking like a squashed dwarf on screen. Bless 'em.
And yes, it was every bit as bad as I thought it would be--but no matter. If I hadn't checked this sucker out with my own eyes, I never would have known how truly ludicrous it actually was! More poison for my pen--bless 'em. So why don't I spoil it for you now, as I know I'm the only one on this board who's going to see it--in theatres, at least?
SPOILERS
VALENTINE may still be the worst film of the year, because Jamie Blanks, as I see it, is capable of doing something great if he gets away from the slash-hash. As for Steven Carpenter? With or without Jeffrey Obrow, I was only impressed (at all) with THE KINDRED. SERVANTS OF TWILIGHT? Give me a break (though it was about as good as the book, if that means anything). Who the hell thought anybody needed another "trauma survival" movie that leads inevitably to the "dead all along" revelation at the end?
Oh, but something so stale deserves yet another twist at the end, right? You won't believe what we get here...
Eliza Dukshu (the BUFFY one) gets the head of the poster, but only a supporting role. It's Melissa Sagemiller who's at the wheel when the party-of-four gets into a fatal wreck after a lot of teen-angst misunderstandings. Her boyfriend is the only one who (supposedly) dies. Meanwhile, Carpenter tries to be Argento when he has a plastic-mask-faced guy and an imposing Indian chase Melissa around--her friends continue to bicker and betray, she keeps having bloody hallucinations, her dead boyfriend keeps showing up to try to protect her... and, oh yes, there's a kind young priest who pops up for spiritual counseling every now and then. And no shortage of "dead" dialogue to drop the oh-so-subtle hints. And Angela Featherstone shows up as a (supposedly) androgynous character named "Raven" who seems to be having a passionate affair with Annabel (Dukshu) while constantly scoping Cassie (Sagemiller) out and giving her cryptic dialogue...
Supposedly a bunch of gore was cut--well, maybe more blood burst from the drain (at least it wasn't the shower head this time), and maybe Cassie's nosebleed was worse? Perhaps when the mask-man gets jabbed with a broken fluorescent tube? But not much, really. The only obvious cutting comes when some partial nudity was clearly involved with Featherstone--it's hastily and sloppily edited around. The others shower fully dressed after a paint party...
Oh, but you're waiting for that howler of an ending? Here goes--boyfriend Sean (Wes Bentley of AMERICAN BEAUTY) was actually the only one who SURVIVED the wreck, and everybody ELSE is dead! But we're not done yet--you see, as Father Jude (who's also dead) explains, Cassie has the will to die for Sean--but she also has the will to LIVE for him... so she can finally tell him that she LOVES HIM!
So she LIVES! She wakes up in bed! She's surrounded by her boyfriend and her parents after surviving her head operation! And she tells them all about it! And you were there! And you! And you! And... OH, AUNTIE EM! THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!!!
That final proclamation of mine brought down the house (a crowd of three) as I let it fly when the end credits came up.
Yes, it was a prize stinker. Yes, in a movie year as dreadful as this, perhaps I might have deliberately skipped it. As it stands now, I wouldn't have missed it for anything.
Bless 'em.
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"Nya-nya, nya-nya, nyahh-nyahh... I made you eat your parents!!!" --Cartman
Soul Survivors--Take Two
Soul Survivors--Take Two
My dog's breath smells like peanut butter...
...and I don't even have a dog!
...and I don't even have a dog!
Shane,man,You really know how to punish yourself. There are Dominatrixs for this sort of thing.Then again,they're not as cheap as a bad movie.
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Wherever you go,there you are.
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Wherever you go,there you are.
"I don't want to be called an "artist." "Acting like an "artist" is synonymous to acting like an asshole."
Asia Argento
Asia Argento