textsfromlastnight.com

Blake NWR · Post by **Blake NWR** » Sun Jun 21, 2009 6:47 pm

No idea if anyone's posted about this yet, but hooolyyyy SHIT this site is hilarious. People share texts they received (with area codes in parentheses). A few choice quotes follow:

(502): The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"

(309): nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol

(402): Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.

(805): My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.

(504): My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life

(954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

(540): she says it's "been amazing lately"
(540): i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera...

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com

Jonathan · Post by **Jonathan** » Mon Jun 22, 2009 8:26 am

I sent one out on Saturday:

"And if there's one thing more that she don't need, it's another hungry mouth to feed... in the ghetto".

I drunk text Elvis songs. And no one seems to get the genius of it.

soundguy · Post by **soundguy** » Mon Jun 22, 2009 1:37 pm

Jonathan wrote: I drunk text Elvis songs. And no one seems to get the genius of it.

There's a fuzzy, wavy line separating genius and 'tard. It's for those around you to decide where you stand at any given drunken moment. If those around you are also shitfaced, the line blurs even farther. It's an infinitely complex dance.

Jonathan · Post by **Jonathan** » Mon Jun 22, 2009 2:07 pm

Well, two people got back to me:
1st "That bad, eh?"
2nd "So he buys a gun and he steals a car. He tries to run, but he don't get far... in the ghetto".

So I'd say I'm 50% genius and 50% 'tard....

Blake NWR · Post by **Blake NWR** » Mon Jun 22, 2009 2:52 pm

Awww yeeeah.

(818): i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
(615): Heaven soaked bacon.

wadruid · Post by **wadruid** » Mon Jun 22, 2009 10:18 pm

Blake NWR wrote:Awww yeeeah.

Everything's better with bacon!!

Project Undead Vish · Post by **Project Undead Vish** » Mon Jun 22, 2009 10:37 pm

i still think this site is the best http://www.thefoggymonocle.com

Irrylath · Post by **Irrylath** » Tue Jun 23, 2009 11:15 am

I just found that site the other day. spent way too long reading those and sometimes laughing out loud.

Project Undead Vish · Post by **Project Undead Vish** » Wed Jun 24, 2009 8:09 am

These got me laughing this morning.

(618): here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...

(604): he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?

(847): I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.

(206): got weed?
(425): I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
(206): sorry mom...

(215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

(631): woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.

Frank the Hammer · Post by **Frank the Hammer** » Thu Jun 25, 2009 9:01 pm

Jonathan wrote:Well, two people got back to me:
1st "That bad, eh?"
2nd "So he buys a gun and he steals a car. He tries to run, but he don't get far... in the ghetto".

So I'd say I'm 50% genius and 50% 'tard....

....And his mama cried.

SLAM TV · Post by **SLAM TV** » Wed Jul 01, 2009 7:52 pm

Love this site-- see what you guys have done?

(508): Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
(914): No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."

Project Undead Vish · Post by **Project Undead Vish** » Mon Jul 06, 2009 9:14 pm

from http://www.thefoggymonocle.com :

Talk2TheTan: pretty funny quick story for you
Talk2TheTan: so my roomate is sleeping with this girl…she owns this spray tan company and is hot as fuck
Talk2TheTan: so she is in town and just decides to spray tan herself and do this model promotion thing yesterday and not pay someone else to do it…
Talk2TheTan: so in a brief history about spray tanning you get sprayed with essentially a paint gun and you wait like 8 hours to take a shower and then when you rinse it off you look tan for a few weeks…
LecherousLoon: okay, i like where this is going
Talk2TheTan: so she sprays herself in the morning and is hanging out with my roommate all afternoon
LecherousLoon: tru tru
Talk2TheTan: well they start fucking and he pulls out and busts on her stomach and huge glorious fake tits….
LecherousLoon: brilliant
LecherousLoon: tell me it fucks up her “tan”
Talk2TheTan: soo she wipes it off and since she didnt wait the 8 hours on the tan…the spray tan comes off in a nice spotted pattern all up her stomach and on her tits…
LecherousLoon: hahaha
LecherousLoon: that is an awesome story
LecherousLoon: dude
LecherousLoon: that is increidble!
Talk2TheTan: so she takes a shower and rinses the tan off and still has cum stains all over the place
Talk2TheTan: and has to do this model thing in a bikini
LecherousLoon: haha
LecherousLoon: oh man
LecherousLoon: take a picture, please take a picture!

Project Undead Vish · Post by **Project Undead Vish** » Fri Jul 10, 2009 10:57 pm

(970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
(303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!

-deathboy- · Post by **-deathboy-** » Mon Jul 13, 2009 3:18 pm

the ultimate text has been posted...

(847): So I'm banging this nun...
(314): Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...

SLAM TV · Post by **SLAM TV** » Mon Jul 13, 2009 10:11 pm

(514): just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed

(847): this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way

(404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
(1-404): Two?
(404): Two.

(201): she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.

(530): You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.

(989): Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.

BLADE · Post by **BLADE** » Mon Jul 13, 2009 10:14 pm

Hello dear Earthling,

I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting
your planet. I have transformed myself into this
text file. As you are reading it, I am having sex
with your eyeballs. I know you like it because
you are smiling.

Please pass me on to someone else because I’m
really horny.

Blake NWR · Post by **Blake NWR** » Thu Jul 16, 2009 2:13 pm

Hehe, this is awesome.

(713): How bad was it?
(1-713): You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth

(330): She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.

(202): Odds of those being real?
(614): One in who gives a fuck

Gore Whore · Post by **Gore Whore** » Mon Aug 03, 2009 9:06 am

(828): There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
(402): Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
(402): The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"

Oh god, I can't stop laughing... now I have Air Supply in my head..

SLAM TV · Post by **SLAM TV** » Mon Aug 03, 2009 2:33 pm

(319): The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.

(404): I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.

(212): i want you now
(916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

Blake NWR · Post by **Blake NWR** » Fri Aug 07, 2009 8:46 pm

(603): So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
(1-603): Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?

(617): guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
(508): Haha, bad night?

(519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

(716): You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.

And, I'm pretty sure THIS one's from Ryan:

Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.

wadruid · Post by **wadruid** » Sun Aug 09, 2009 10:50 am

(720): Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation

Evil Red · Post by **Evil Red** » Sun Aug 09, 2009 1:18 pm

"(519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

I've been blabbing Lion King for weeks, since I was hoping to catch the play in Vegas, so the timing alone of this = smeared eyeliner!

Blake NWR · Post by **Blake NWR** » Wed Aug 12, 2009 12:44 pm

(303): We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drugs.

-deathboy- · Post by **-deathboy-** » Fri Aug 14, 2009 3:21 pm

bwwahahahaha

(212): I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.

Blake NWR · Post by **Blake NWR** » Tue Aug 18, 2009 12:16 pm

Oh my goodness... LMAO!!

(328): im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
(1-328): anal.

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